While you’re snuggled up in your burrow, munching on cabbage and throwing your little groundhog head back, laughing at us human fools, we’re still braving the cold (and in some cases, snow) that winter forgot to take with it. Very funny.
It’s the end of March, for goodness sake. We should be footloose and fancy free in brightly-colored shorts and cute sandals.
Hold on a second.
Is it that time of year already? Time to (gasp!) shed the layers and show some skin? But ... but … I’m not ready! Need proof? Why don’t I lay it out for you, Phil?
My skin is the color of, oh, notebook paper? And the options available for changing that range from the healthy (spray tans or sunless tanner) to the potentially deadly (real and/or artificial sun.)
So, basically, I can choose between shelling out time and money for curtain number one, or putting my life at risk AND winding up looking like a piece of beef jerky if I pick the latter. Let me think on that.
We all know that sunless tanning is the smarter, healthier way to get our bronze on, but I’ve seen (OK, lived) the results of a poorly-executed spray (or lotion) tan, and unless I maintain it with regular applications, my faux glow will not fade gracefully. A 5-foot-9 Oompa Loompa with splotchy elbows and ankles? No, thank you.
As for old-school outdoors sunbathing — who has time for that? Of course, I could go for the microwave version, aka the tanning bed, but the risks are there, and even if I’m fortunate enough to escape the more serious side effects, my skin’s appearance will certainly pay the price in the form of wrinkles and sunspots.
So what’s a girl to do? While I fully stand behind our right to bear arms AND to bare arms, though the latter frightens me a bit more than the former.
And then there’s the hair. When warmer weather makes its appearance, it brings along its evil friend, humidity, which is notorious for giving curls a bad name. There’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of spending an hour and a half straightening my hair, only to have it stage a nasty revolt the moment I set sandal outdoors. Frizz-Ease, my foot.
Therefore, aside from miracle hair products, a professional stylist or a super-short ’do, my only option is to face warm weather armed to the gills with ponytail elastics and a lovely assortment (if I do say so myself) of baseball caps and cute straw hats. Nice.
All this has me wishing we could put on the weather brakes and embrace the cold for just a little while (as in months) longer …
So, on second thought, Punxatawney Phil, I forgive you. I will gladly overlook your transgression in exchange for a few more weeks of fully-covered cold weather. Sorry I tried to make you feel bad for burrowing; I’d like to do just that myself right about now. Wake me up when September ends …
(Note: while I have addressed my main warm-weather concerns here, I haven’t even scratched the surface. Watch future editions of “Small Talk” for Part Deux: Who shrank my summer clothes, and what’s wrong with my scales?)
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Save the Date
Join the Calhoun County Tree Amigos Master Gardeners for the first plant sale of the season. Unusual perennials, trees, and shrubs will be featured at the sale, Saturday, April 20, from 8 a.m.-noon at Cane Creek Community Gardens at McClellan.
Sale proceeds benefit the Tree Amigos program.
For more information, please call 256-237-1621.